Saturday, April 17th 2021

12:47 A.M.

Seriously I still can’t understand how people throw themselves to others they barely know. I mean, 1 month, 2 months, isn’t enough to know them.

I’m usually eager to be friends to most of people, but once they like me (can be both romantically and friendships-term), I’d be thinking “Wait. Really? You like me?”

Then I’m slowly fading away.

Simply put, the phase is like this:

– I greet you, you greet me. Hi hello nice to meet you.

– Yay after talking and getting to know to each other,

– You say you like me. Do I like you? I’m never sure

– You start to give attention to me.

– Time to run. Bye. Affection is freaking me out. Commitment is even worse.

– Then, your attraction to me is starting to disappear. You no longer care (or you at least try to).

– After few months, hi I’m coming to your life again. Cause I want that attention baby. But you tho? Not sure.

I’m trying to tell myself that I’m independent, I do not need significant other. I can live by myself. The contradiction is I want love. (Or attention?)

Then there comes someone who loves me, or at least attracted to me.

Uh, I start giving plenty of reasons to turn them off. Ghosting. Being as annoying as possible. Gaslighting. (Ok I just realized I might have gaslighted someone.)

Fuck, I need to work on my personality. Like my mother had said, it was ugly. That’s why I don’t plan on being in a relationship, otherwise the other person has to suffer dealing with me.

I’m feeling so self-centered writing this lol. Feeling like the world revolves around me. It’s my diary bitch, so ya’ll basically living my universe.

2 or 3 days ago I made banana brownies (it was stated in the recipe) by Tasty Buzzfeed. WHY WHENEVER SOMEONE SUBSTITUTE BROWNIES WITH HEALTHIER ALTERNATIVE OR WHITE CHOCOLATE (see my previous blog of matcha brownies), THEY DON’T TASTE LIKE BROWNIES???

IT’S NOT BROWNIES IF IT’S NOT MADE OF BUTTER, EGGS, SUGAR, DARK/MILK CHOCOLATE, FLOUR !!! Uh and cocoa powder (optional, but most of the recipe calls for it)

Okay my sister said it doesn’t taste like cake or bread, straight taste like dodol. What the hell she’s so weird?

A bit rubbery though, probably cause the lack of egg + I blend the bananas smoothly (as opposed to mashed like in the video)?

Swirl the top w peanut butter that doesn’t fucking stick on top of the brownies cus of the oil it produces. Disappointed but not surprised. It’s Tasty channel after all. Doesn’t represent the channel name.

Just kidding, it wasn’t that bad. Just not what I expected. Okay chocolat-ey banana-ey cake

Yesterday cooked some salmon cus my mom asked me to. I just throw in honey garlic lemon juice. Taste ok, but need to slice salmon thinly so the sauce can absorb nicely to the insides.

Tried to fry the salmon skin but it popped popped, so I took it off before it was crispy. Hard af, couldn’t eat it.

We shouldn’t eat salmon too much cause most of the salmon sold were farmed salmon. Basically it was kinda man-made fish, giving some chemicals to produce its pinkish color, more fat stripes, yeah I couldn’t explain it. Google exists for a reason.

If you want to eat a HEALTHY salmon, buy the expensive one which will probably cost your kidney. It’s reddish in color, and less fat stripes to no stripes visible.

I know I’m middle class ok can’t afford that kinda thing unless I sell my soul to satan, so we’ll stick to the farmed salmon. Just remember not to eat it too often.

Oh yes, because of this salmon we had drama. Me and my mom. I thawed the salmon at 12 P.M. and she said, “If you thaw now, the lunch’s gonna be 3 P.M.”

In the morning, you told me if I want to cook the salmon, just take out from the freezer. Yo, I didn’t know fish takes a long time to thaw. YOU SAID JUST TOOK IT OUT WHEN I WANTED TO COOK.

I’m dumb ok I don’t know how to cook too. Then we started arguing and I went upstairs cus I was furious. Lock the room, watch tiktok. Saw funny ones then I forgot my anger.

When you’re angry, better to shut the fuck up and try to figure out a way to soothe your anger. That way, you minimize the destruction you may make incidentally because we’re all humans, right? You say things you don’t mean when you’re mad. You do things you don’t want to do.

SO. JUST DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY.

Take note from someone who made her sister cry—which I witnessed for the first time in my life (Toddler and kid era doesn’t count). I made her cry a month ago. I felt really really really bad but couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

I love her. I really do.

Don’t let her read this otherwise she’s getting ahead of herself. While I’m writing this, she’s scolding me for not sleeping. Fuck you bitch.

This afternoon I kept sneezing and I got blocked nose. Uh the mucus kept going down, I was using a lot of tissues. The trash bin was full with them lol. I hated it, I think I have an allergy of smth, because it happens very often and they only last for some hours or a day. My brother shares the same concern as me too, probably cus we have the same blood type and the closest gene.

It’s not flu. Times like these I feel grateful of all the times I’m ever healthy. Hence, the title dying cus I feel like dying even though it’s a minor issue. I hate feeling sick. I used to love it cus I could skip school. It was still suffering tho.

Okay okay I’ll go to sleep,

C