Sunday, January 9th 2022

11:38 P.M.

Dear cheerio,

It has been a while since I posted on this blog. I have so many things to talk about.

Yesterday, I made iced coffee latte with my mom’s grounded coffee beans. It wasn’t the strongest coffee flavor I’ve ever tasted, but the caffeine was the strongest.

I’ve had iced mocha from several coffee shops before. They used espresso but it didn’t mess with myself as much as this.

After I drank that coffee, half an hour later I felt so strange. I had to move, I felt like I was in the skies. I kept slapping my hand because fireworks were inside my body. I didn’t know what I needed, all I know is I had to move my body.

So, I jumped here and there. I spun my body like a Beyblade. I talked to myself. It was euphoric. I had never been this kind of “happy” before.

Today, all the bad aftereffect washed over me. For inexact reasons, I cried really uglily. There was nothing in particular that happened, or bad news.

It was just… empty. My heart was empty, soulless, meaningless.

Then, my sister and I went to the hospital to fetch things for my mom. My dad had his stomach liquid extracted, his body was skinny. My mom was looking after him. Hopefully he could come home soon. I miss my parents.

The following after, my sister and I went to nearby Marugame Udon for dinner. We chose the most popular menu, she chose Niku Udon and I chose my favorite—Beef Curry Udon.

After some talks, she announced to me that she was infatuated with her boss, which was butch lesbian.

I was out of words. I KNEW, I’VE SEEN THIS COMING FOR WEEKS. But, her confirming my suspicion, it was really a surprise for me.

What would my parents think of this? My mom warned me before if my dad got a hear of this, his illness might get worse.

I didn’t disapprove my sister became queer. It was just.. The timing, the place, and my dad being sick like this, was horrible.

After some discussion, my sister asked me to come to meet her boss. It looked like nobody could change her mind. She said even her friends were homophobic towards this.

She actually had been trying to make me to meet her boss, but I didn’t want to. I.. don’t know what to feel about this.

I’ve been supportive of LGBT+ community, but looking at the situation here, and one of the closest persons in my life being one, is different.

After a long ride home, and few talks exchanged, I suddenly broke into tears for the second time. This time, with my sister as an audience.

I’ve hardly ever cried in front of people, even to my family. Because it’d be embarrassing.

I said my life was perfect then, we had everything. Everyone was healthy, happy, and complete. Now, my life had cracks on it. Especially when the news my dad had lung cancer came out. Our financial came to a doom.

It was killing me. How my friends’ lives were perfect, how their financial thrived, they were getting prettier, nicer, kinder, smarter.

While I was still stuck in the past, holding onto my childhood-self who were slowly drifting apart. I felt disabled.

I want to be happy. That’s all I need.

Love,

C