Sunday, April 4th 2021

11:18 P.M.

I didn’t take many photos or videos during my childhood to pre-teen.

The reason is when I’m in joy, I won’t think about anything else except enjoying those moments. I won’t worry about how I may appear in front of others. All I do is savor every seconds of it without wasting on other activities such as recording it.

So when you see me online, especially for a long period of time like days, weeks, months, that mostly isn’t about something good.

I’ve been avoiding reality now by playing bunch of games, talking online, and watching netflix. Or even writing this kind of thing.

When you’re sad, you’ll be grateful of the times when you were happy.

Lots of people are like me. Going to the cyber space to escape their life. To be honest, it used to help. However now, I don’t think it does anymore.

I don’t hate talking to people. I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of their prejudices even though—let’s be honest—I judge people a lot of times (in my mind).

Honestly, it’s killing me. Every time after I finished up hanging out with people, I would always want to punch myself.

Did I say something stupid? They’ll think I’m a freak, right? Did I accidentally offend them? Am I a horrible person? Am I embarrassing? Boring?

Then, I said to myself.

No, I deserve this. They hurt you. Being emotional is okay, you’re a decent human being. Don’t let other people step on you.

But again, I thought I was the one at fault.

This thoughts keep going back on forth every time after I engage with other people, without exception. Family. Close friends. Strangers. People I love.

I know deep down, it’s my fault I’m like this. This is my problem with myself. They’re not toxic, I am the one with toxic thoughts.

I wanted to blame other people, like the time I harshly pushed away Grey. Frankly speaking, he was always there for me. Listening to me, helping me, like legit every time I asked for something he’d drop what he was doing and went for me. He was always a kind person, and I was too blind to see that he was even specially kinder to me (as my friends had numerous times told me but I was deaf). I took it for granted. He was never at fault of his feelings.

I just knew a year ago when his younger brother told my brother about Grey’s point of view. He always saw the good in me—which I had no idea how he could do it because a lot of people had thought shit about me (because I am, not gonna deny it). He’s a fucking saint. Just like other people had said.

To be honest, I’m grateful he doesn’t end up with someone like me. I’d be honored of course if he wanted to go back with me (in addition, my mom liked him). But there are two possibilities, either he’d help me become a better person or I’d hurt him all over again. So, I didn’t reach out to him. He deserves to be happy.

Most people assumed that I was an ambivert, the line between extrovert and introvert. Some people stated that they thought of me as an extrovert.

I was elated to hear that, but the concept of extrovertedness & introvertedness didn’t circle around social life seen from the outside.

Talkative = extrovert? Alone = introvert? Probably you’re informed enough to know this isn’t true, but trust me, lots of people still think as it is.

The concept involves your energy. Extrovert simply means you gain energy surrounded by people, while introvert means you earn energy by being alone.

You can be alone and still be an extrovert. You can’t be around people all the time. Bathroom break? It’s just yourself.

But by talking to people, or simply being with friends, family, or strangers, you feel as if you’re recharging. This is a sign that you’re an extrovert, even if you don’t talk much/do that often.

A friend told me, “I can never be like you. You’re so bubbly.”

“How can you talk to strangers?”

“You shouldn’t worry about this kid. She’d be the first to make friends.”

“Can you shut up for a second?”—my sister

I socialize because it’s fun and it’s a must in a human’s world. If not, I’d be by myself enjoying my never-ending list of hobbies. I could never NOT think about how people perceive myself. My personality? I’m ugly. I can’t believe I’m hideous outside and inside. Hey god, at least make me either kind or pretty.

I’m the ugliest with the people I’m closest with, which is my family. With people I’m not familiar with, I’m a sweet helpful acquaintance.

The closer you get? The closer I resemble a monster. Out of topic, these years I’ve been obsessed with the word “monster”. I’d say “Oh I’m so hungry I eat like a monster.”

I’m fake, I try to be something I WANT people to see me as. A confident, self-loving, positive, thick-skinned, friendly, cool, not-giving-fucks, as if I have nothing to worry about.

That’s why being with other people REALLY drain me. The process of my mind thinking all of these makes me exhausted. I couldn’t go a week with full socializing without giving a day to give myself a breather. I couldn’t believe myself when I kept socializing online until I felt stuffy. All the bad thoughts haunting me as if they were gonna eat me. I’m so dramatic lol, but I really felt that way back then. After I quit, just to shut myself down, I felt at ease. Me, myself, and I.

It was online, imagine how worse it’d be if it were offline socialization.

I wish I don’t to feel this way, because other people might have the wrong idea. Friendly, then shutting people out? Then goes back being talkative again? I liked hanging out with people, but I couldn’t take it. It’s as if you’re born with a weak body but you dream to become a soccer player. I really wish I was an extrovert, or even an ambivert. Then, I wouldn’t feel conflicted like this.

Do you know why yellow became my favorite color? Because I’ve always wanted to become yellow—which I’ll never be.

Lots lots lots lots lots of love,

C