Tuesday, April 20th 2021

01:35 A.M.

Dear cheerio,

Tomorrow we’re going to hospital since my dad’s continuing chemotherapy. He lost 30kgs in total because of his decreasing appetite, resulting in saggy skin and weak body—we had to hold his arm when he walked. Update: His health improved, he was able to eat meal. I hope things will become better, even if it’s a small progress.

I was supposed to make kimchi days ago, but my red pepper flakes I ordered online hasn’t arrived yet. I think it’ll arrive today. It’ll be a rush though since I had to make it today and we had to prepare things for hospitalization.

Istg my sister is slowly becoming my 3rd aunt. She kept saying she wanted kimchi, but was hesitant to buy some local kimchi here cause who knows what they’d taste like?

I made kimchi before, using local ingredients, which resulted in mega super spicy kimchi. I blended local red curly dried chilies instead of the traditional gochugaru (korean red chili flakes that isn’t spicy at all).

We barely could eat it by itself, so I had to put it in dish. Made kimchi fried rice a lot of times, my mom said it was still super spicy but at least more edible.

So I suggested my sister to make homemade kimchi, of course her contribution is none, I’ll make it all by myself again. She’s allergic to cooking/baking. She thinks it’s a hassle, she’d rather purchase food outside.

She had the audacity to complain to me, “When’ll your kimchi be ready?”

“Uh the gochugaru hasn’t arrived yet, probably tomorrow.”, I replied.

“Ugh it’s taking so long. And after you make it, you have to ferment for a week right? Whatever, I don’t care anymore.”

I want to slap her. I WAS CHARITABLE ENOUGH TO OFFER YOU MY HOMEMADE KIMCHI EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO. Bitch, go buy outside then. Do taste test here and there to meet your palate. Go find the most sour kimchi available in this town.

Oh we have many bananas laying in the freezer. Our bananas are good af, my 4th aunt said my cousin wouldn’t eat bananas unless it’s our home-grown ones.

Okay first time making these and tasting these. I don’t know what graham crackers taste like, but this recipe is too sweet. Why are all recipes state sugar more than they need? I always have to subtract grams of sugar from the recipes, especially American ones.

Still forgivable though, but I thought graham crackers were more like digestive biscuits? These ones tasted like snickerdoodle (cinnamon + brown sugar).

Ignore my ugly cuttings of the crackers. I can never do shortbread style neatly.

Kinda random but I like making videos of me baking or cooking. Especially when it’s super quiet and I can only hear the Alexa playing my Spotify playlist.

But my house is never quiet lol. You wouldn’t want to do things like ASMR cooking.

My sister just scolded me. I wished I was the eldest. Mood: ruined.

Whatever,

C

Monday, April 19th 2021

01:29 A.M.

I made hokben pickles—request from my dadaaaa. He and I love pickles sm—whether this one or the cucumber pickles mom made. Like legit we could eat a big bowl of them.

Came across this video on youtube at a café in South Korea (i think?). They weren’t waffles, by the way, they were made of rice cake. Fusion of eastern-western food. I’m drooling

I was scanning through reviews of a product I planned to buy, then I saw this.

They were always putting up random pics and words to get coins from the orange marketplace. I hate it, if it wasn’t because of the free delivery fee, I wouldn’t jump from the green marketplace. THIS WASN’T THE PRODUCT, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T GET IT.

Looked so good though, I had to search it up by looking at the text on the packaging. Lukumades. Turned out it was Australia-based greek donut store. Apparently it had branched out to my country as well. In addition, the real thing was really small compared to this photo.

Yo dua lipa never released a bad song, but this one DAMN GURL. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Space, galaxy, her shiny dress. THE CATCHY LYRICS AND BEATS, I love heavy bass songs. Issa bop

Glitter in the sky, glitter in our eyes
Shining just the way we are
I feel like we’re forever every time we get together
No, we’re never gonna be apart

That one was matcha latte, I had leftover caramel sauce that had crystallized, so I used that instead of icing sugar. I couldn’t taste the caramel flavor, probably cause the matcha overpowered the whole thing.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

BACK TO THE QUOTE. Damn she state FACTS only.

I saw someone wrote “I’d rather cry in Lamborghini rather than happy on a bike.” —something like that.

They say money can’t buy happiness, bitch, without money, you won’t be happy either. You can’t even live long till you’re happy.

I wanna be richie rich ugh, mostly the result from myself. If I have to depend on someone to have money, then what should I do when that person’s gone? Can’t be rich forever?

We’re all gonna die anyway, you can’t bring fortune to your grave. But at least it would be hella of a ride. Wait, why does this sound so depressing? I’M GONNA BE RICH OKAY, NOT NOW, BUT I’LL BE.

I’m hungry & I should sleep earlier

Bye for now,

C

Saturday, April 17th 2021

12:47 A.M.

Seriously I still can’t understand how people throw themselves to others they barely know. I mean, 1 month, 2 months, isn’t enough to know them.

I’m usually eager to be friends to most of people, but once they like me (can be both romantically and friendships-term), I’d be thinking “Wait. Really? You like me?”

Then I’m slowly fading away.

Simply put, the phase is like this:

– I greet you, you greet me. Hi hello nice to meet you.

– Yay after talking and getting to know to each other,

– You say you like me. Do I like you? I’m never sure

– You start to give attention to me.

– Time to run. Bye. Affection is freaking me out. Commitment is even worse.

– Then, your attraction to me is starting to disappear. You no longer care (or you at least try to).

– After few months, hi I’m coming to your life again. Cause I want that attention baby. But you tho? Not sure.

I’m trying to tell myself that I’m independent, I do not need significant other. I can live by myself. The contradiction is I want love. (Or attention?)

Then there comes someone who loves me, or at least attracted to me.

Uh, I start giving plenty of reasons to turn them off. Ghosting. Being as annoying as possible. Gaslighting. (Ok I just realized I might have gaslighted someone.)

Fuck, I need to work on my personality. Like my mother had said, it was ugly. That’s why I don’t plan on being in a relationship, otherwise the other person has to suffer dealing with me.

I’m feeling so self-centered writing this lol. Feeling like the world revolves around me. It’s my diary bitch, so ya’ll basically living my universe.

2 or 3 days ago I made banana brownies (it was stated in the recipe) by Tasty Buzzfeed. WHY WHENEVER SOMEONE SUBSTITUTE BROWNIES WITH HEALTHIER ALTERNATIVE OR WHITE CHOCOLATE (see my previous blog of matcha brownies), THEY DON’T TASTE LIKE BROWNIES???

IT’S NOT BROWNIES IF IT’S NOT MADE OF BUTTER, EGGS, SUGAR, DARK/MILK CHOCOLATE, FLOUR !!! Uh and cocoa powder (optional, but most of the recipe calls for it)

Okay my sister said it doesn’t taste like cake or bread, straight taste like dodol. What the hell she’s so weird?

A bit rubbery though, probably cause the lack of egg + I blend the bananas smoothly (as opposed to mashed like in the video)?

Swirl the top w peanut butter that doesn’t fucking stick on top of the brownies cus of the oil it produces. Disappointed but not surprised. It’s Tasty channel after all. Doesn’t represent the channel name.

Just kidding, it wasn’t that bad. Just not what I expected. Okay chocolat-ey banana-ey cake

Yesterday cooked some salmon cus my mom asked me to. I just throw in honey garlic lemon juice. Taste ok, but need to slice salmon thinly so the sauce can absorb nicely to the insides.

Tried to fry the salmon skin but it popped popped, so I took it off before it was crispy. Hard af, couldn’t eat it.

We shouldn’t eat salmon too much cause most of the salmon sold were farmed salmon. Basically it was kinda man-made fish, giving some chemicals to produce its pinkish color, more fat stripes, yeah I couldn’t explain it. Google exists for a reason.

If you want to eat a HEALTHY salmon, buy the expensive one which will probably cost your kidney. It’s reddish in color, and less fat stripes to no stripes visible.

I know I’m middle class ok can’t afford that kinda thing unless I sell my soul to satan, so we’ll stick to the farmed salmon. Just remember not to eat it too often.

Oh yes, because of this salmon we had drama. Me and my mom. I thawed the salmon at 12 P.M. and she said, “If you thaw now, the lunch’s gonna be 3 P.M.”

In the morning, you told me if I want to cook the salmon, just take out from the freezer. Yo, I didn’t know fish takes a long time to thaw. YOU SAID JUST TOOK IT OUT WHEN I WANTED TO COOK.

I’m dumb ok I don’t know how to cook too. Then we started arguing and I went upstairs cus I was furious. Lock the room, watch tiktok. Saw funny ones then I forgot my anger.

When you’re angry, better to shut the fuck up and try to figure out a way to soothe your anger. That way, you minimize the destruction you may make incidentally because we’re all humans, right? You say things you don’t mean when you’re mad. You do things you don’t want to do.

SO. JUST DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY.

Take note from someone who made her sister cry—which I witnessed for the first time in my life (Toddler and kid era doesn’t count). I made her cry a month ago. I felt really really really bad but couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

I love her. I really do.

Don’t let her read this otherwise she’s getting ahead of herself. While I’m writing this, she’s scolding me for not sleeping. Fuck you bitch.

This afternoon I kept sneezing and I got blocked nose. Uh the mucus kept going down, I was using a lot of tissues. The trash bin was full with them lol. I hated it, I think I have an allergy of smth, because it happens very often and they only last for some hours or a day. My brother shares the same concern as me too, probably cus we have the same blood type and the closest gene.

It’s not flu. Times like these I feel grateful of all the times I’m ever healthy. Hence, the title dying cus I feel like dying even though it’s a minor issue. I hate feeling sick. I used to love it cus I could skip school. It was still suffering tho.

Okay okay I’ll go to sleep,

C

Okay, I know it’s late and I’m supposed to be sleeping rn, but I found an interesting term in one of the comments. “Avoidant attachment.”

I looked it up.

I’ve always wondered why I attract the neediest and clingiest persons. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hey-leave-me-alone, i-don’t-need-anybody, i’m-strong-independent, etc.

They’re always the nicest and warmest people I knew. They would throw their things and run to me whenever I needed them. But sometimes, the affection was just too much I couldn’t take it. I felt like suffocated that I had to move away from them. I’ve always thought I was being mean, they basically marked me as their life (a bit like worshipping) but I despised what they did?

I hated it when they made me like their world. Okay, whatever you called it, love, affection. It was not IT for me.

Hey, don’t you have other things in your life?

And out of all, why did I have to end up with attaching people? Could you at least give me a less-dependent person?

Until I read the article

I copied all the text from the website.

If you are avoidant, you probably cannot figure out why you keep attracting anxious people who demand so much of you emotionally and always seem to want more than you can (or want) to give.

This first diagram depicts an anxious and avoidant person on a first date.

At first, when they come together, both people bring an equal amount of energy onto the field. After all, they don’t know each other yet (or what the other person’s attachment style is!).

The avoidant person will be confident and self-assured. They will be complimentary, and might be thinking about how to make the other person feel positive about the interaction. The anxious person will want to know that the avoidant person finds them interesting and desirable.

Now the anxious person naturally is excited and may take up a little more than their share of the conversational turn and use more words. Instead of talking about themselves or working as hard to drive the conversation, the avoidant person may show interest by asking questions. The anxious person is likely to enjoy this attention and feel energized and talk more. To this, the avoidant person may smile, nod, laugh and give some refrains … but in reality, say less and less. The anxious person doesn’t notice and thinks, “Hey this person seems to really like me and be into what I am saying. I’ll keep this up. This is going well.”

But, neither person notices that the avoidant person has actually pulled some personal energy out of the interaction. Because the energy in the shared space needs to be in balance, the anxious person compensates by putting in more resources into the shared space.

Gradually, however, the anxious person’s emotional system will start to pick up cues that something is wrong; That the avoidant person might not be fully into the relationship. And they would be correct. It isn’t that the avoidant person no longer cares, but the displaced resources from the avoidant person don’t just evaporate. They leave the shared relationship space, but they have to go somewhere. So, they get redirected.

Now the anxious person may start to apply some pressure to get the avoidant person to bring energy back into the shared space. But this pressure could change some of the warm energy to negative energy. But it doesn’t take any anxious energy out of the field and may actually increase it. Remember, the only way for the avoidant person to come back into the field will be for the anxious person to withdraw some emotional energy out of the space.

But this is the hard part and where things often go very wrong. As the anxious person withdraws some energy out of the system, wanting the avoidant person to bring their energy back into the space, there will be a time lag. The avoidant person may not immediately sense the energy shift and know it is time to come back in (and may be afraid to if the energy has become too negative). They may stand with their energy still on the sideline not knowing what to do.

For a time, the system will be out of balance (in disequilibrium). During this phase, the anxious person is likely to feel highly anxious, scared and dysregulated. They may start throwing energy into the space and withdrawing energy out of the space rapidly and in a haphazard manner (which will look crazy to the avoidant person who is just sitting there not moving their energy).

If the anxious person comes back into the space too hard, they may knock the avoidant person right out of the ring. If they pull too much energy out of the space, they may make a foolish decision and try to put it into another space that was not well-chosen (like running into someone else’s arms and cheating). If at this moment the avoidant person completely withdraws from the space, there will be no space for the anxious person to come back into when they realize that they have made a mistake.

Okay so now I get it ugh I’m v sleepy and I don’t know what to do with this information. It’s almost 3 A.M. geez

Tuesday, April 13rd 2021

01:55 A.M.

My fam and I go vegetarian twice a month. Today I decided to make “fake” meat. Actually, yesterday, because it had passed midnight.

I saw the recipe on tiktok, they were using oats and egg white. Of course the real thing taste better, but this one actually taste quite good for a “fake”. Taste a bit similar with pork meat. The recipe stated 1 tsp of salt but I felt it was too much so I reduced to 1/2 tsp. Uh well it wasn’t salty enough. At least the glaze was on point though.

It’s fucking the TIME of the month. I swear I’ve never pass a period without consuming chocolates. Yuh, like idk with the sudden craving of chocolates?

Brownies, chocolate mug cake, chocolate chip cookies, tbh they all don’t soothe the craving (even though all of em sound delish). In the end, I’d just hate myself for eating them. IT HAS TO BE A CHOCOLATE BAR, CHOCOLATE CHIPS, OR IDK. Period is one of the weirdest time. I’ve been through uh uncountable times of period, but I still don’t *get* it.

This always helps. Chocolate pots with 70%+50% dark chocolate. Unlike chocolate bars, I’d say to myself I’d consume one small block. Then, damn, where did the two bars of choc go?

But in this case, probably because it was so thick and dark, I could only eat one of it. That was why I made it, because I wouldn’t go crazy by eating huge amount of sweets & chocolates. The craving just went away with one ramenkin of chocolate pots.

Uh I cleaned the stove. Wipe wipe wipe. Mom’s and my precious lovely stove. I cherish it because the fire’s so gentle and v easy to use. Don’t you love it when everything’s clean and neat?

I’m slowly drifting off,

C

EXCUSE ME??? What is she being HOT for?? 😫 i’ve been too long on this app cus like

MA’AM!!!! i couldn’t simp for the 91736218th time for random strangers on the internet !!!

Wednesday, April 7th 2021

12:13 A.M.

Dear cheerio,

Today is photo dumb dump day! Okay let’s see what we’ve got.

Yesterday I kept talking with my little cousin. He was adorable, but annoying most of the times. However I got why he was causing troubles and making people felt agitated, he just wanted make friends. To add it, he was pretty gullible so it was easy to scare him up a lil with made up ghost stories. He kept asking me to play Among Us and other games with him. While I was busy replying to him, I burnt my veggie fritters damn :c

My sister and I went to Buddhist temple—which I used to go every Sunday but I stopped cause I’m lazy and I feel guilty as I’m writing this. I love you Buddha, I still do, and your teaching too. I just have social anxiety because there were lots of people who somehow related to me. My mom’s friends, my schoolmates, my uncle’s wife’s relatives, my cousin’s friends, my grandma’s brother’s children, etc. Living in this city is hell, because the Chinese community was so small, that ALMOST every Chinese-Indonesian I met MUST BE somebody’s someone’s whoever.

I’d rather go to temple with strangers like I did in Singapore—which was fun because no youngsters, just old grammy, pop pop, mothers and kids.

So we did the Covid-19 Vaccination which didn’t hurt at all—contrary to what people had said. Spent 6 hours cause there were lots lots lots of humans.

When I used to go here, all of these weren’t painted. Lots of construction here and there, the walls were grey, and I could see the iron things on top of the roof? Now? Whoa, look at that. I couldn’t take pics with people on it cause of the rules. Yo, the floor were marble and they were shiny like bald head. See those chandeliers? Yeah, baby

All viharas I’ve went through had relics on it, and painted in weird colors(?), probably bcs most of them were built decades ago. That was why I liked church better because of the aesthetics. I MEANT THE DESIGN, I’M STILL A BUDDHIST I SWEAR.

But this? Feels like a grand ballroom. Omg bye sneaking-to-church-with-my-catholic-friends.

Krema Koffie. I ordered her Caramel Macchiato (she said it wasn’t sweet). Got these salted caramel cupcake and basque cheesecake which were “popular”. They were from Caesari Kitchen. Why the connotation marks?

Bleh. Failed my expectation greatly.

Salted Caramel Cupcake (7/10)~ Cream was dope, too sweet for my liking, cake was dry, cornflakes were hard. The cream saved the day tbh

Basque Cheesecake (3/10)~ Creamy, but TASTE FUCKING EGGY. Damn I could smell the egg from thousand miles away. “Eneg”. I couldn’t finish the thing, so she helped me (even though she disliked it). She said my new york cheesecake was way better. I’m an avid fan of cheesecake and I don’t discriminate them—japanese, new york, burnt, whatever others. But this one? One of the worst.

The instagram shop was famous so I figured out to try the most wanted menu. Last year I tried the raspberry cake and it was AMAZING. These ones? Tasted meh and overpriced af.

This went a bit viral, so I decided to try it out. It’s brownies but with white chocolate and added with matcha powder. Tasted more like cake than a brownie? Overall I fancied it, but probably need to change the name to matcha cake.

I tried to do the Japanese thing with the wrapper (cause a lot of japanese home café used these aesthetics). HAHAHHA IT LOOKED LIKE POCONG (A TYPE OF GHOST) INSTEAD. Yo, you can give me clothes, and I can style you. You can give me pen, paper, watercolor, pencil colors, anything, then I could do something with it. I used to feel like I was an art kinda person. BUT DECORATING/PLATING A DISH? I suck ngl

THEY’RE SO PRETTY I MIGHT GONNA CRY?? THIS IS THE BEST OF THE BEST I’VE MADE WITH BREAD. I cut them manually with serrated knife, they looked almost like the factory produced?? Almost identical, but healthier cause I didn’t use those chemical agents whatever shit they put inside ingredient list.

APPRECIATE IT!!!!! OMG ITS SO MESMERIZING. Before I cut them, it was a long block of bread which had evenly browned sides and perfect squared block. There weren’t big holes on the toast.

I might be a milk toast master HAHAHAH keep dreaming, bud.

Bye i’m tired I got a cake order tomorrow Zz

Sincerely,

C

Sunday, April 4th 2021

11:18 P.M.

I didn’t take many photos or videos during my childhood to pre-teen.

The reason is when I’m in joy, I won’t think about anything else except enjoying those moments. I won’t worry about how I may appear in front of others. All I do is savor every seconds of it without wasting on other activities such as recording it.

So when you see me online, especially for a long period of time like days, weeks, months, that mostly isn’t about something good.

I’ve been avoiding reality now by playing bunch of games, talking online, and watching netflix. Or even writing this kind of thing.

When you’re sad, you’ll be grateful of the times when you were happy.

Lots of people are like me. Going to the cyber space to escape their life. To be honest, it used to help. However now, I don’t think it does anymore.

I don’t hate talking to people. I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of their prejudices even though—let’s be honest—I judge people a lot of times (in my mind).

Honestly, it’s killing me. Every time after I finished up hanging out with people, I would always want to punch myself.

Did I say something stupid? They’ll think I’m a freak, right? Did I accidentally offend them? Am I a horrible person? Am I embarrassing? Boring?

Then, I said to myself.

No, I deserve this. They hurt you. Being emotional is okay, you’re a decent human being. Don’t let other people step on you.

But again, I thought I was the one at fault.

This thoughts keep going back on forth every time after I engage with other people, without exception. Family. Close friends. Strangers. People I love.

I know deep down, it’s my fault I’m like this. This is my problem with myself. They’re not toxic, I am the one with toxic thoughts.

I wanted to blame other people, like the time I harshly pushed away Grey. Frankly speaking, he was always there for me. Listening to me, helping me, like legit every time I asked for something he’d drop what he was doing and went for me. He was always a kind person, and I was too blind to see that he was even specially kinder to me (as my friends had numerous times told me but I was deaf). I took it for granted. He was never at fault of his feelings.

I just knew a year ago when his younger brother told my brother about Grey’s point of view. He always saw the good in me—which I had no idea how he could do it because a lot of people had thought shit about me (because I am, not gonna deny it). He’s a fucking saint. Just like other people had said.

To be honest, I’m grateful he doesn’t end up with someone like me. I’d be honored of course if he wanted to go back with me (in addition, my mom liked him). But there are two possibilities, either he’d help me become a better person or I’d hurt him all over again. So, I didn’t reach out to him. He deserves to be happy.

Most people assumed that I was an ambivert, the line between extrovert and introvert. Some people stated that they thought of me as an extrovert.

I was elated to hear that, but the concept of extrovertedness & introvertedness didn’t circle around social life seen from the outside.

Talkative = extrovert? Alone = introvert? Probably you’re informed enough to know this isn’t true, but trust me, lots of people still think as it is.

The concept involves your energy. Extrovert simply means you gain energy surrounded by people, while introvert means you earn energy by being alone.

You can be alone and still be an extrovert. You can’t be around people all the time. Bathroom break? It’s just yourself.

But by talking to people, or simply being with friends, family, or strangers, you feel as if you’re recharging. This is a sign that you’re an extrovert, even if you don’t talk much/do that often.

A friend told me, “I can never be like you. You’re so bubbly.”

“How can you talk to strangers?”

“You shouldn’t worry about this kid. She’d be the first to make friends.”

“Can you shut up for a second?”—my sister

I socialize because it’s fun and it’s a must in a human’s world. If not, I’d be by myself enjoying my never-ending list of hobbies. I could never NOT think about how people perceive myself. My personality? I’m ugly. I can’t believe I’m hideous outside and inside. Hey god, at least make me either kind or pretty.

I’m the ugliest with the people I’m closest with, which is my family. With people I’m not familiar with, I’m a sweet helpful acquaintance.

The closer you get? The closer I resemble a monster. Out of topic, these years I’ve been obsessed with the word “monster”. I’d say “Oh I’m so hungry I eat like a monster.”

I’m fake, I try to be something I WANT people to see me as. A confident, self-loving, positive, thick-skinned, friendly, cool, not-giving-fucks, as if I have nothing to worry about.

That’s why being with other people REALLY drain me. The process of my mind thinking all of these makes me exhausted. I couldn’t go a week with full socializing without giving a day to give myself a breather. I couldn’t believe myself when I kept socializing online until I felt stuffy. All the bad thoughts haunting me as if they were gonna eat me. I’m so dramatic lol, but I really felt that way back then. After I quit, just to shut myself down, I felt at ease. Me, myself, and I.

It was online, imagine how worse it’d be if it were offline socialization.

I wish I don’t to feel this way, because other people might have the wrong idea. Friendly, then shutting people out? Then goes back being talkative again? I liked hanging out with people, but I couldn’t take it. It’s as if you’re born with a weak body but you dream to become a soccer player. I really wish I was an extrovert, or even an ambivert. Then, I wouldn’t feel conflicted like this.

Do you know why yellow became my favorite color? Because I’ve always wanted to become yellow—which I’ll never be.

Lots lots lots lots lots of love,

C

Sunday, April 4th 2021

3:05 P.M.

I had never been a caffeine taker in my life. Every Saturday we would have a coffee time at my grandparents’. They’d drink black coffee with a moderate amount of sugar (my family didn’t fancy sweet stuffs). I’d look at them as if they had the best time of their life.

I didn’t get it. What was so great about coffee? Black coffee, milk coffee, even I had tried most of the local brands of coffee packets—the ones which contain lots of sugar. I took a sip of others’ coffee. Bleh. They all tasted like shit. It was even worse than soda which burnt your throat like hell. Not to mention the headache coffee gave.

I was just trying to get how it felt to enjoy the drink. I kept trying lol

And I thought to myself, “Maybe because I’m a kid. Maybe I will get it once I get older.”

It was the same energy as myself when my cousins exposed me to pornography at the age of 10.

“Why the fuck would they do that?”

That thought never changed until now lol

But okay, give it the benefit of doubt, let’s see how it goes when I get into 30s.

Also, that time when I watched a movie, it quoted

“Love is like a coffee. Good when it’s hot, but you’ll run out of it. Otherwise, by enjoying it slowly, you’ll risk it becoming cold.”

My pre-teen self didn’t get it but like, that was deep yo, whoever decided to make that quote.

Flashback to 2018, I still had my curiosity for coffee. I used to wake up 5 A.M. to go to work and I wanted to have the energy boost. Only The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf was opened that early—near the train station in front of my apartment.

I simply asked the barista for a coffee which a non-coffee lover would love. He suggested Iced Mocha because it was blended with chocolate flavor.

Okay, I love chocolate, let’s try it out.

Yo for the first time in my life, I thought to myself, this is it. This is it, chief, a coffee for me. I couldn’t taste the coffee at all!!!

It became one of my regular beverages. I felt cool, hey I drank coffee, I was a grown up.

And I said, you know what, let’s level it up. I was going to try from the sweetest/mildest coffee to the strongest coffee which was espresso. I was going to increase my caffeine tolerance. My sister said I was out of my mind because even caffeine addicted people tried to quit coffee (because too much caffeine could kill you). I had to admit, that was a stupid idea, I just realized it now.

Then, fast forward to that time when my friends and I went out at 9 P.M. until morning. We went bowling, 24 hour shops, rode bus to karaoke bar, etc. I bought iced mocha to keep me awake, but this time we only found Starbucks (because it was v v v late).

After I took a sip of it, what the hell? It tasted like coffee. IT TASTED LIKE COFFEE. IT WASN’T THE SAME SWEET ICED MOCHA FROM THE COFFEE BEAN & TEA LEAF. It. Was. Bitter. And it gave me headache.

At the end, I couldn’t even drink a quarter of it, so I gave it to my friend and her boyfriend. I think I only took like 5 short sips?

At that moment, I assumed I would probably die before I get to drink espresso.

Starbucks and famous overly priced coffee shops were overrated anyways. I didn’t have to spend money to force myself into something I didn’t even like. It was like $8 a cup?

By the way, I’m drinking caramel macchiato now. I had leftover caramel sauce, so I poured vanilla syrup + instant coffee + milk + ice cubes. Tasted super sweet, but tolerable kind of coffee.

Mineral water stays superior.

Oh yes, and one other reason I shouldn’t drink caffeine because I couldn’t even sleep at night if I drank iced matcha latte or this caramel macchiato in the morning/afternoon.

Recently I just found out that matcha had almost the same amount of caffeine as coffee. All these times I thought the milk in matcha latte could neutralize the caffeine in matcha because you know, milk & sweet stuffs make you sleepy. Caffeine makes you awake. Apparently, it doesn’t.

If I drink espresso or americano, I’ll probably be awake for half a week.

So, yeah, I gave up on coffee.

Kind Regards,

C

Thursday, April 1st 2021

12:27 A.M.

Happy birthday to my friend Edelweiss and happy april fool’s!

Ugh I miss middle school days when I had nothing to worry about and just doing what I loved.

Literally all I ever thought about was to sleep quickly and moved on to the next day. I looked forward going to school to meet my friends.

Just talked with them via video call damn I missed my friends so much. I had a lot of acquaintances but I couldn’t open up to them—constantly thinking if I made them uncomfortable or I was being freaky. My middle school friends were the people whom I cherished very much.

In the short moment, I could be the realest version of myself. They’re such adorable dorks.

Lots of love,

C